finding the way
"If you know the way broadly, you will see it in everything."
The main reason I lost over 200 pounds was to join the army. To elaborate on that a bit, I wanted to be a special forces weapons sergeant, or "green beret." I wanted to push myself beyond the physical and mental limits of what human beings were thought to be capable of; I wanted to stand shoulder to shoulder with the most elite men on this planet, knowing I earned the right to be there. I sounded crazy to the few people I told that to, but it seemed possible as time went on.
I thought in doing so, I could atone for a life lived selfishly in excess and put myself in a position to help people that can't help themselves. I didn't care about politics and still don't; I care about objective uncomfortable reality. There will always be war. It's one of the only things we have done consistently as a species. If there will always be war, I want to be the one to suffer it. Let me, who has lived in comfort for so long, suffer the burdens of my fellow man. Let me bleed to help others. Put me and a Mk18 between the innocent and those that would oppress them. At that moment, in that space and time, let me be the one to do the right thing, where someone else might not. I feel like I owe the world at least that much. But it's a debt that will go unpaid.
Becoming a green beret was a goal I was so dedicated to for so long that when reality set in that I wouldn't be able to achieve it, the thought of doing anything else with my life seemed like it was only second place to putting a pistol in my mouth. That was only recently quelled when I decided to tell my story and commit to thru-hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. The two goals are essentially complete opposites from one another: destruction vs. creation.
What took me from someone who weighed nearly 500 pounds to someone that genuinely believed he had what it would take to stand among the most highly trained warriors humanity has ever known, whether I did or not, merits further examination. Once that is understood, you can apply it to anything.
It's more than a diet; it's more than exercise. It's a mindset.
The quote above is rather vague by itself. Often abbreviated as "know the way broadly," It's not a reference to the Mandalorian or something I only first heard on a Joe Rogan podcast. It's from the pages of "The Book of Five Rings," a text written by Miyamoto Musashi, a famed swordsman who lived and died as a Ronin wandering 16th-17th century feudal Japan. While obviously very applicable to someone determined to go down the path of an actual warrior, it is equally relevant to someone pursuing the arts, academics, or any improvement in any facet of life.
"Know the way broadly" is something I tell myself when I need a reminder on why I am where I am today. I even wrote it on a kettlebell that got me through quarantine workouts. I'll never be a green beret, but I can damn well channel the drive and discipline that made me think I could be and use it for something else. My goal was to help people, and I can arguably do that on a larger scale with the path I'm currently on. I have seen the way once; I can see it again.
The more I adhere to this mindset, the better off I tend to be. It guided me through losing over 200 pounds, and it will guide me through hiking 2650+ miles of the Pacific Crest Trail. Because of this mindset of "knowing the way broadly," I am in no way worried about not completing the trail physically or psychologically. I'll run out of money before I run out of willpower. I will carry the weight, and I will not complain, as I chose to be there. My path in the army was cut short due to reasons beyond my control. My path on the trail will be completed no matter what.
"The Way," as I have come to interpret it, is self-discipline in exchange for self-progress. I spent many nights alone while everyone else I knew was out drinking. I've been considered rude for not eating when it would set back my dietary progress. People think I'm an asshole because I don't socialize when I'm at a gym. Those are just a few minor examples, but it all added up to several years of doing what NEEDED to be done rather than what I WANTED to do. I sacrificed relationships and job opportunities under the ever-present assumption that "any day now," I would get the last thing I needed to be able to swear in and pursue my dream of "going SF." Foolish, perhaps, but I had one purpose in life for several years, and I was only willing to do what needed to be done to realize that purpose.
Wake up, exercise, go to work, exercise again, eat a few times between all of that, sleep, repeat. That was my everyday reality for almost two years to the day. Nothing else mattered then, and as I look back, it's easy to think none of it mattered at all. It would be too easy for me to let the anger I have for my situation manifest itself to those around me. For a time between my discharge and commitment to this new way of life, that anger manifested as hate for myself in a nearly uncontrollable manner. In the past, I used that hate as fuel to better myself. This time it was killing me. I had lost my way. I had turned my back on the very principles that brought me out of the darkness that engulfed the first 25 years of my life.
The reality is, it all mattered—everything we do every day matters. You can't change your life overnight, but you can change your mindset right now. Maybe stoicism isn't your thing, it hasn't exactly made me a ray of fucking sunshine, but it has allowed me to examine myself far deeper than living simply to enjoy the pleasures of life ever did. It would seem contrary, but it has made me more empathetic and understanding of the nuances of the human condition. What makes us who we are. What may roll off one back might break another. We can only fix what the tools available allow, and some have more or fewer tools at their disposal based on many factors.
Once we know the way for ourselves, we can help others find it. That is my intention. I will spend the rest of my life trying to help others know the way. Whatever it may be for them. And once they know it broadly and see it in all things, I believe that the cycle will repeat itself.
